That's right. Overweight people are the scourge of the earth. Global warming and food shortages are the fault of fat people? Fucking outrageous. Somebody's going to have to help me keep track of all of the people I'm supposed to hate now. The list is getting far too long, and I can't keep up.

The benefit of waking up at 4:30 in the morning to see daughter off on her class day trip to Philadelphia is that I had some time to myself for writing, while everyone else was still sleeping. And, because it was so early, I couldn't do all of the things I would normally be distracted by, since any activity could have woken the others. Maybe I should try to get into the early morning habit of writing, then walking pup, then getting everyone ready for school, and passing out once they're off. Hm. Possibly. Possibly.

There are so many things I hate about the work that I produce. Does not make me happy the way other people's stuff does. I have read a ton in my lifetime, and I know what's good and what I like, but when I try to get my thoughts out, they are no where near what I want them to be. I'm told practicing helps. I'm trying, but it is frustrating. Have half a mind to take an adult ed course or something, but I fear that my psyche is fragile and I might fall into a tailspin I will not be able to recover from. It's happened before. Took me forever to produce anything for years afterwards.

I am also very close to deciding to look into graduate school. Real graduate school, where I enroll in a program of study in an effort to get the PhD I always wanted to when I was young, before I'd become obsessed with the idea of reproducing at the cost of every other interest in my life. What was I thinking? In retrospect, I could have had it all, lived my life in the right order--marriage, graduate school, career, children. Though if I had, I'd be a really old new mom. I barely survived my first pregnancy when I was twenty-six, can't imagine how I'd fare now. I see my sister who had her first at forty, and my friends who are just beginning to have families in their late thirties and I think, man, I don't envy them. On the other hand, older parents have a tendency to be more mellow. There's a lot to be said for aging, despite all of the body-crumbling issues. I like both my husband and myself a lot more now than I did when we were younger and even more ridiculous. Plus, is it my imagination, or does teh sex just get better and better with age?

I think I'm supposed to be superexcited about Joss's new show. So far, I got nothin' in me that even remotely stirs at the thought of plunking down any time to watch Eliza do much of anything. I appreciated her as Faith, but I haven't been a huge fan of any of Whedon's other shows, so I'm not expecting much. Grousey McGrouse Grouse.

I cannot find the time to really devote to writing. I'm struggling, but I find myself so distracted by everything that's going on. I have this fantasy of going on a retreat somewhere far away from everyone and everything that is eating my brain. I have way too many things pulling me in different directions and no matter how much I stick to my to-do list, it doesn't seem to get any easier. I need a secretary. Ooh, or someone to come over and help me do the dumb things I gotta do.

My sister got no sleep last night and she couldn't function at all today. She asked, "How do you do this?" Well, mostly I don't. Treading water's about the best I've got in me. Wow. I am a barrel o' laughs these days. I'll just shut up now. These aren't the droids we're looking for. You can go about your business.

Radiohead's Creep came up on my play list, and I just remembered the parody my older son made of it this morning before going to school. Kid has got a great sense of humor, which is ironic, because he's such a miserable little boy in so many ways--always worried and anxious and easily overwhelmed. When he sleeps he often breaks out in these full belly laughs. Rarely whimpers or frets then, though he does have many nightmares. I hate that he has these problems, because he's such a super boy. Very creative and clever and funny and at the same time completely tortured. But he's growing. He's getting better, learning coping mechanisms. I hope he survives adolescence. He is a worry. Ah, enough of this.

I am making decent progress in all of the areas I'm working on in my life. This is good, because I'm seriously tired of having to feel like crap all of the time. I'm ready to feel good again, and I'm pretty sure I will any second now. An-y second. Right.

Two children home today with various ailments and my throat's killing me. One has a fever and an ear infection, other may have strep. Again. Took him to the ENT this morning to find out wtf is going on. ENT loves me. I don't think in a sexual way. More like in a he just can't stop pawing and fawning over me kind of way. Like he might a cute pet, maybe? I've had very odd relationships with male doctors throughout my life. My son's been with me on office visits and has asked if the doctors wanted to marry me. Even husband noticed the one time he came with. I cannot explain it, but it's been this way for me since I was wee little. Had the same experience with male teachers. And tour guides, strangely enough.

Anyway, this guy says to me today, "You have wonderful common sense. Tell me, who are you voting for?" I said I liked Hillary, but she's not gonna make it. He said that he wasn't certain she was out. I asked if he liked her. He said, "I'm not sure who I'm voting for yet, that's why I asked you. You are so sensible." All right. That's just weird. Is he going to make his decision by polling his patients? Then he kept shaking my hand and holding it and patting my back. This is when son wanted to know if this doctor loved me like the other one does. I'm telling you, there is no explanation for this behavior. I am not attractive. Maybe it's the red hair and freckles (people love the look or hate it) or maybe it's just the incredible workings of my keen mind. *snickers* Dunno. Either way, it always surprises me when it happens, then leaves me feeling kind of good, because someone, somewhere seems to appreciate me. I'm a simple person.

Here's a new YouTube link for you. Love the song. Chose this vid over similar ones, cause it's the most benign. Edit: Ooh, I like this one even better.

I am in love with this new community I've been watching called breathe_poetry. Check out these two short poems in this link. I love modern poets. They kill me.

My books came today. I've yet to open my Barnes and Noble box, but they must be in there. What are they, the books that are mine? Therapist told me he had no interest in reinventing the wheel, and bade me to work on my own with cognitive behavioral therapy primers. I asked if it would work and he said, "How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?" I said, "Yeah, okay." He said, "No. How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change." I'd heard the joke before. I've lived this life before.

Husband just turned on Band Candy. Have I mentioned how much I really cannot stand Joyce? Someday, I'll organize a coherent argument as to why she is the worst TV mother ever. I'm always surprised when people praise her. Also think the actress was pretty crappy. I'm trying to decide how much was her fault and how much was the writing. I've read about Joss's great respect and love for women and mothers, but I think that Joyce is the flattest, least developed, least interesting character on the show.

Hey, and I also got something else in the mail today. Big thanks to khaoschilde. You've made my day!

I'm guessing none of you watch 30 Rock, though you all should. It's very funny. Since the takeover, people at my husband's company have been switching offices and moving to different floors. My husband's being forced out of his most coveted office on the twentieth floor, and relegated to the twelfth. You could appreciate the irony along with me if you followed Jack Donaghy's career. We can't stop snickering. But we're always giggling over something. Drives our daughter crazy: "Would you stop? You're not funny!" Um, yes we are.

Went for my first mammogram today. I am officially four years late for my baseline. In spite of how it appears, I've actually spent a large part of my life avoiding going to the doctor for anything. Now that I'm like a ninety yr old and there all the time, I wonder why I had such an aversion in the first place. Soon there won't be an inch of me that's left unexamined. Hrm. That's actually...unsettling. Anyways, a real life doctor appeared after techs were done and read me my results right there on the spot, face to face. Huh? No fretting and wondering and worrying for days on end? She declared me well and sent me on my way. All righty, I'll take it! So far all of my lumps and stones and nodules, etc., have been nothing more than painful inconveniences. Right. Good. The question is, how do I spend the rest of my week now? I'd left a whole chunk of time open to devote to worry, and now I'm at a complete loss.

Has anyone heard about some movie in which the characters are attempting to Save Someone Silverman? I understand there's a great deal of gratuitous full frontal nudity in it. Reason enough to go check it, don't you think? I suffered through countless hours of Oz for the likes of Chris Meloni, Luke Perry, that Irish guy who I swear is part pack animal, Simon Adabesi...Good Lord! And am I the last person to have seen this photo (keep scrolling down) of Daniel Radcliffe? Jinkies!

God, I sound like some pervy sex-crazed loon, don't I? Actually, that description's probably not too far off. What can I say? I likes the penises. I'll even take it a step further and go out on a limb and say I'm pro penis. World needs more men walking about naked, and more middle-aged women objectifying them, don't you think?

My husband and I met 18 yrs ago this spring. He was part of this groovy group of kids that hung out together in our dorm. There were a pile of boys in this group and only one other girl besides myself. This other girl was the most beautiful, clever person I'd ever met. I fell in love with her at first conversation. She and my husband and I used to eat lunch together every day. In fact, she's the one who first suggested I give husband a second look, after I'd told her of my crush on our other friend Steve. She said that Steve was a dope and that husband was the one she'd go for if she weren't already dating someone else. She told me she thought husband liked me, because he was always watching me, hadn't I noticed? Um, nope. Husband was good-looking, blonde, blue-eyed, 6 ft tall, broad-shouldered, smart, funny, and we were completely simpatico from the moment we met. I didn't love him, though. He had a mullet, or as he said when he saw an old photo of himself years later: "I looked like a heavy metal fuck." He was also a practicing Catholic and a little too devoted to his mother for my taste. But after she mentioned him as someone she'd like, I began to view him less critically. We did have a great deal in common, and he did seem to really like me--he couldn't be that bad. Six weeks later when husband broke up with me after we'd only been dating for two weeks, this same friend said that I was better off, because he was too religious and too much of a mama's boy. Hrm. She wasn't wrong, but he was still only nineteen. Neither of us could predict how much husband would grow up over the next couple of years.

Our daughter is named after her.

I got an email from her today. We knew each other for one semester before she transfered from UMass to a college closer to home nearly twenty years ago, and I still find myself getting all giddy over her. She's as clever as ever. She has her PhD in archeology and she's going abroad on a dig in a few weeks. Le sigh.

Older son hasn't wanted a friend birthday party in three years. He finally asked for one and chose bowling, cause it's quick and painless and he's enjoyed the few he's gone to in the past couple of years. When he was young, they were too noisy and overwhelming for him, but he's grown so much and is making amazing progress with his sensory issues.

We invite all 12 kids in his class, and no one RSVPs at all. I begin getting nervous and ask my nephews and niece if they would come as filler in case no one shows. Eventually, some parents respond and about six children from his class are coming. Terrific.

We get to the bowling alley early, and go through the pre-party prep, yada yada, and then wait. And wait. And wait. Finally, son's best friend shows up about ten minutes late. Cool cool. But another 15 minutes tick by, and there are only four outta fourteen people of an hour and a half party now, and three of them are my kids. Oldest nephew shows up. I'm so grateful, I get all choked up, but when he goes to bowl, mean party people start to freak. He's too old, this is a kid's party, etc. We ask if it's about money, 'cause we're willing to pay whatever they want. I explain the whole story to them, and I tell them that nobody's here and I just want my kid to have a good time. Finally they relent after much debate and pleading on our part. Four more cousins show up with about 20 minutes left to bowl. The workers huff and puff, but let them play. By now, I'm practically sick over what a disaster this shindig has become. I have to leave the building for a few minutes, because I don't want my son to see that I cannot stop sobbing. It was horrible. Four of his classmates arrive just in time for the ending pizza and cake portion of the party.

The bowling people only ended up charging us for eleven children after all of the grief they gave us and threats to charge us full price for the adult cousins. I would have paid them anything. I went up to the nasty woman at the end and thanked her for bending the rules and for being so kind when she didn't have to be. And I honestly felt grateful. I think she was surprised that I wasn't bitchy and she softened a bit. Fucking cow. But in the end, she did the right thing. She could have just told us to go scratch, and ultimately didn't. That's something. I sat in the car after we got home and cried and cried. Whole thing was like a nightmare come true for me. Probably makes no sense, but this experience left me feeling completely heartbroken. I can't even write about it without getting all vaclempt. Gott im Himmel. Damn.

Learned a new word today: teleology. Still contemplating the implications. Intelligent design was the first thing that came to mind when I read the dictionary definition, but now that I've been reading a bit more, I see it as a complex issue that needs more thought than I have to give at this time. I'm supposed to be getting ready for son's bowling party instead. Husband gets credit for being a wonderful self-starter today--he made all of the goody bags without even being given instructions to do so. He's superman.

Superman wants a drum set for our anniversary. And he keeps going on about buying a real microphone. I ask why, and he tells me because the band needs one. We have a band? Yup. He tells me he's gonna quit finance and become a rocker. I offered to turn the basement into a recording studio and he loves the idea. He's a goof, but cute as hell. And, man, does he look fantastic in that black Burberry trench coat I bought him for Christmas. I picked him up at the train station last night, and he put all of those Garden City men to shame. I have excellent taste. That fellow at Nordstrom's men's department thinks so. I make him try on some of the clothes before I buy them for husband. He indulges me, cause I help send his son to medical school. Having a husband is like having my own life-sized Malibu Ken doll. Well, almost, except for the tan and the short hair and the clean shave and the six-pack abs. Other than a few small details, it's just the same.

Hrm. Just read Hillary has 271.5 superdelegates. Do I even want to know what a half-delegate is? The fact that the whole country doesn't hold primaries on the same day everywhere, and that superdelegates can hold so much power makes no sense to me. Neither does the fact that large states are completely marginalized. I could really get myself in a tizzy over politics, but I will refrain. Change, if it is ever to occur, will be slow and painful, as nature intended. I can only wonder why people insist on clinging to the archaic and out-dated. But when have humans ever done anything even remotely logical, flawed species that we be. Arg!

Kids today! Back in my day, we drank and took drugs for wholesome reasons. Whatever happened to getting high for high's sake?

Today I am going to clean my house, then write like a mad woman. I have to get these stories out of my head and onto paper. They are taking up far too much space in my already over-crowded brain. Shoo, shoo, little bunnies.

I am supposed to run over to daughter's softball game now. It rained almost all day and I was really counting on it being canceled. Drats. We saw her play on Tuesday and they don't even put the seventh graders in until the 4th inning, so I think I'll mosey on over there a little late. Basketball is so much more fun to watch, cause it's fast-paced and there's a time limit. Hate games that can drag on for eternity. But little girl is a natural ball player. Coach puts her in as clean-up, and that's pretty impressive.

I was not the parent chosen out of the hat to go on older son's field trip, even though that is the only reason I volunteered to be the class mom. Honestly? I'm secretly thrilled to not be going, though son is disappointed. The buses are so smelly and nauseating, I think I'd hurl riding all the way to the Fire Island Lighthouse.

Man, am I the crappiest mother? I hate all of the icky parts of parenting. I much prefer the cuddling, and playing, and chatting, and reading. I don't love the endless obligations. Bah! I am so Ms. Whiny Pants these days. Nothing appeals. Except sleeping. I am a big fan of bedtime.

It's getting late, so I guess I should get going. I am off to make with the cheering. Go Rams!

Mrruphery. Weird day. Got very little accomplished and have loads left to do. I'm ready for bed, though, but husband will not be home 'til late, so I can't just dump the kids on him and pass out. Plus, I didn't exercise the dog or meself enough today and we need it. Maybe I'll just play in the yard with him. Ooh and it's dinner time and the children need to finish their homework. :( Aight. I guess I will rally.

Allergist and I agreed that youngest needs to get the shots after all, and we'll probably start them in three weeks. He says that son'll have to come once a week for about six months, and then once every two weeks for months, etc, etc, over the course of several years. I cannot stress enough how horrible tree pollen is for our little one. He's a virtual prisoner. Thank heaven he doesn't have asthma on top of this. It could be so much worse.

Someone left me an anonymous comment on some post I made a while ago. Strange to think that anyone's even reading anything I have to say here. Well, aside from the people who see my stuff 'cause it pops up on their friends page, I guess. From where I sit, it's like I'm mostly just nattering on endlessly to myself. Bizarro. Totally feckin' bizarro.

Woke up feeling crummy. I've been coming down with something for a few days now, and this morning I feel like I've been run over by a truck. But like a 21st century Leopold Bloom, I will face down the hardships of my life and conquer the mundane with my usual aplomb. *snickers* Oy!

The CSE meeting husband and I attended yesterday went well. We got most of the things we wanted. The OT graciously offered to support our wishes, and the district rep gave son one PT session/week over the summer. I'm still gonna pursue PT through health insurance, so he should be receiving all of the help he needs. My real goal is to learn from these providers, so's I can do the exercises at home with him every day. He'll bitch and we'll both hate every second of it, but one does what one has to, eh?

Today is Wednesday, so I will be calling fence companies, dog trainers, nephew, all of the parents who did not respond to older son's party invite. RSVPing seems a thing of the past. One of the social niceties that I miss and that helps support my whole People Are Changing theory. What are we without civility? I worked in an office with half a dozen people who sat pouring over manuscripts quietly all day, and if anyone in the room sneezed, no one ever said Bless You or Gesundheit. What the heck was that about? I finally asked them and they all had various quirky answers, because they were all fucking weirdos. The kind of people who refused to sign any card with the word "love", lest the recipient misunderstood their intentions. Good grief!

Daughter and friends have posted themselves on YouTube doing ridiculous things. Nothing terrible, just kid stuff. I would have prolly done the same when I was 12, but still...it freaks me out. I hate that she's out there and that people (strangers) are looking at her. Causes all sorts of anxieties in me. But my nephews and niece are all over the net. One of them's even naked, holding a birthday cake in front of his private bits. And I know this same neph has taped himself having sex with his girlfriend and has shown it to at least one of his sibs. Who would do that? Who would say, "Check out this vid of me having sex"? Yech. So what's to stop him from putting it on some site like Xtube? Don't ever want to stumble across that one accidentally. *Shudders* Erm, lucky for me I never ever ever watch prawn on the 'nets then, innit?

Dudes, Silverlake is gone? Why do people do this? What's it cost a year to keep these sites going? I've got to save everything I ever come across, because one day all of the stories will vanish forever. I am bummed.

Roger Clemens cheated on his wife? I'm stunned. What is the world coming to?

Just read that some 10,000 farmers a year are estimated to commit suicide in India. Now that is surprising. I am avoiding all the rest of the headlines for the day, because ten thousand people in one year is bad, but in a day? My brain can't process that level of tragedy.

Just got off the phone with son's OT. She may be willing to back off her original recommendation of cutting his services. Let's hope. We meet as a full committee tomorrow, and husband and I are showing up lawyer-less. I like so many of the people who work with our boy, I hate to be adversarial. But, if pushed, I'll have to push back, and I really, really, really don't want to have to. I believe they have his best interests at heart, but the district binds them and they are often forced to capitulate. I can't tell you how many parents I talk to who don't even know their rights. I try to encourage them to educate themselves, and help point them in the right direction, but unfortunately, I have to look out for my children first. I can't fight anyone else's battles for them, though sometimes the things I push for like the math program have benefited everyone, and that's cool. Edit: Man, do I sound like a complete dick. Oof.

We went to the zoo yesterday. Had a wonderful time, but today, my youngest can hardly pry his allergied eyes open. May used to be my favorite month, cause of the wonderful weather and fabulous flora, but high tree pollen counts have cut down on our fun. Drats. Maybe we'll have to move to somewhere deserty. Urg. That sounds awful. Maybe youngest will have to get those shots after all. Poor fella.

More links for you to enjoy, because these cartoons amused me, this poem is fantastic, and David Sedaris rocks.